(To be read in upper class British accent, preferably in accent and tone of Sir David Attenborough)
Dear Human Beings,
I hope you are doing fine etc etc.
We cats have finally decided to break our silence on centuries of bad press that we and our loved ones have been getting. We are generally not partial to display any kind of emotions (except contempt) but now we have reached our final line. We are always appalled by preposterous things you have been saying and writing about our kind and the ladies who love us.
We made my final decision after seeing frequently this odd set of people, who you call celebrities, are writing open letter about every tiny things they supposedly suffer from.
We are more celebrated than all of these people put together so we deserve to have our open letter. We have given my grievances as a listicle again following your latest decadent fashion of writing, which apparently catches more “eye balls”. *eye roll*
1. Why do you always presume our company is specially welcomed by single ladies with no prospect of getting a match or as they used to be called spinster in old days? And dear Emily Dickinson with her love for us actually did not help our cause. We find it particularly unbecoming that it is insinuated in any manner that only one kind of people loves us. How can anyone imagine we being not liked by other kinds of people? Haven’t you seen the majestic Bond villain with cat?
2. Apart from being unpleasant to us this idea is an utter disservice to the single ladies who are partial to us. The moment a gentleman caller to her Facebook wall or Tinder sees her picture with her cat, going by stereotype immediately presume the lady in question has decided to die alone. Then no friending or right swap happens and the lady in question really die alone.
3. I am in pain in accepting it but confirmed single ladies don’t always keep cats always. They also keep turtle, parrot and even some peculiar single ladies keep *cough* dogs *cough*.
4. We certainly never enjoy the implication that alternative of having babies is having a cat. A woman can have babies on the side while having cat. Of course she can never love babies as much she loves her cat.
5. We are disturbed by the superstitions of ignorant human. Like black cat is bad omen in west and a cat crossing path is bad omen in India. Have you ever thought what kind of omen human is for us? I don’t want you tell the answer to kind of omen human is to us, but it rhymes with “civil”. However we are too evolved to believe in all these mumbo jumbo. When will you evolve?
6. We love a rub on the stomach as any next animal with high taste but that does not mean rubbing by feet is welcome. We are not needy and over eager just for a rub. What are we? Dog?
7. Finally how presumptuous of you to think we are anyone’s pets? It is like saying Sherlock Holmes is Mrs. Hudson’s pet. We would prefer henceforth to be referred only as a lodger or a flat mate.
Please convey this to people who have not read this letter. What might help is if you make this open letter, as you call it, “viral”, like Kim Kardashian’s open letter about motherhood. We are not spinsters’ pets just like taking care of a child in high heels and full make up is no mean feat.
Yours ever non-obliging
Mr. Cat
President of World Cat Association
P.S. Yes, all these time we can always write but we are not trick monkeys who would write at your command. So don’t bother trying we can’t care enough to write for your whim.
(Originally published at https://www.bonobology.com/meri-miaou-suno-open-letter-mr-cat-human-beings/)
Musings 