Mothers are by nature anxious animals. I am no exception. In fact, I have been made to be a mother because I was always under anxiety so far as I can remember.
It is well and good till your anxiety is one dimensional but my anxiety is two dimensional and both dimensions contradict each other. So I live with these constant self-contradictory throbbing thoughts in my head.
Here is a peek into my mind, which is by the way only a speck in the eternity.
(A) I think: Oh why on earth my baby never sleeps? I am exhausted. I will die if he doesn’t take a nap. Yes, I am definitely going to die!
Then he sleeps and after 30 minutes:
(B) I think: Why on earth my baby has been sleeping since hours? He hasn’t even moved once. Oh my God! Is he breathing correctly? I must rush to hospital now. Oh before that I should try waking him up once I guess. If he doesn’t wake up on my first call I am definitely going to die!
Then he wakes up and starts howling and I am back to (A)
(A) I think: I need a break today from cooking. I need to go out for dinner. Seriously if I cook today after all the running around I had to do after children and chores I am definitely going to die!
Then we go out for dinner
(B) I think: I have switched off the stove or not? I had switched it on to warm baby food. After that did I switch off or not? I can’t remember at all. Now my house must be burning. Here I am sitting comfortably. We should rush back to home now. If stove is on now then I am definitely going to die!
(A) I think: All these nannies I have been hiring are not good. They are not particular about washing hands every time they touch my children among other things. Most importantly my children hate all of them from the first look. I need a perfect nanny, a nanny like Mary Poppins jovial and whom my children adore. Not the flying part though. With the current one I can’t even leave them for five minutes. I can’t run my errands. I can’t take bath in peace. I can’t breath. It’s Poppins or I am definitely going to die!
Then I get sort of a perfect nanny
(B) I think: My children are bonding nicely with her. I went out and they did not even notice. Not even a hint of notice! Why? Do they love the nanny so much that they have stopped caring about me? If they have stopped loving me then I am definitely going to die!
(A) I think: I never get any vacation. I work 24/7. Someone! Have pity on me and take me to vacation or I am definitely going to die!
Then there is plan of vacation
(B) Oh so much preparation to do. And the packing! It’s never much when you are packing for kids yet airlines staffs don’t know this. What if our flight is hijacked and my daughter is stranded without her special diet? What if suddenly the city we are travelling to will be out of diaper? Oh why do I have to go on this vacation? I am definitely going to die!
(A) I think: How on earth in movies every one gets voluntary babysitters so easily and readily? Why no one ever offers to watch my babies? Maybe I am a pathetic lonely soul. If no one loves me then I am definitely going die!
Next day friend X offer to babysit and take away the kids
(B) I think: What if X is busy for a minute and my son runs to their living room and swallows one of their tiny decoration pieces? What if a stranger suddenly barges into their home and forcefully feeds butter to my daughter (my daughter is dangerously allergic to milk). What if my son switches on the gas? What if…. Oh I have to send them with someone! If something happens then I am definitely going to die!
(A) I think: I can’t wait for my children to grow up? I can’t wait for them to do their stuffs on their own. I can’t wait for them to sleep the whole night and on their own bed. I will be damned if they sleep whole night. They don’t sleep and never let me sleep. I can’t remember when I had a good night’s sleep last time. I feel like a zombie. I am definitely going to die!
The next day they manage to eat one spoon of food on their own out of the whole meal
(B) I think: Oh they are growing so fast. Why can’t they slow down? In no time they will get embarrassed by my presence in front of their friends. And very soon they will go their own ways, living me alone. Oh I will be so sad. I am definitely going to die!