Another year is getting over soon. What a drag these years are! They come and before you could say “long long ago in a galaxy far far away” they get over. Why didn’t they pass so fast when I was twelve and trying to become eighteen? The years just stood still then to spite me. Many things, apart from years’ passing speed, have changed since then. Every year thinks it is special. We make them feel that way to save our skin or what tsunami they would set free on us who knows! This year was no exception; we made the year feel special by behaving in our typical yet somewhat new set of dysfunctional ways. Based on the hours spent *cough* wasted *cough* on social networking sites we all know the things happened this year to make 2015 special. For a systematic study, I am listing here few of those events which most likely happened this year with the help of my dear friends from social network X, Y and Z. I am paraphrasing their ideas/thoughts based on their likes, comments and posts in the wonderful world of social network.
- Who is most miserable?
X: I went out with almost zero battery in my phone and then I had to talk to my dinner companion while eating instead of just nodding while tapping my phone.
Y: I went out without my phone. It was catastrophic I could not click picture of this burning house. You should have seen the owner howling like a cat.
Z: I was at my home and only one point was working. I had to shift between my laptop and phone.
- How could you?
X: I ran from Delhi to Ahmedabad to raise fund for blind people. Now I am working on turning more and more text books and classic books into Braille. Every time I meet a blind person they thank me profusely.
Y: You jerk, are you efing kidding me? You are such a phobic and bigot. How could you call these poor people blind? You call them visually challenged, you a-hole.
- Shame on your sadness
X: I am feeling sad. Last night in Game of Thrones Jon Snow died or at least it felt so.
Y: I never remember you feeling sad when Ba’ died in Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi. You racist! Shame on you!
- Getting all decked up
(20 years back) X: I love to get all decked up while going out because I enjoy getting attention from opposite gender.
(10 years back) Y: I love to get all decked up while going out because I enjoy making people from my gender jealous.
(5 years back) Z: I love to get all decked up while going out because it makes me feel good about myself.
(In 2015) X: I love to get all decked up while going out or staying in or lying on bed or whatever because I am taking selfie you idiot. All I care is getting likes from males, females, aliens, zombies, Lannisters or whatever.
- Ramp on food plate
X posted a picture of vanilla ice cream topped with chocolate sauce with the caption “I am eating vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce”.
Y posted a picture of vanilla ice cream topped with chocolate sauce with the caption “This foodie is relishing ice cream made of pure bred cows from Himachal Pradesh infused with vanilla pods from Kerala. A dark bitter and sinful sauce made up of cocoa exported from far off countries is complementing the sweetness of the ice cream like Mohammad Rafi compliments Lata Mangeskar’s voice.”
Z posted a picture of what looks like a muddy puddle with the caption “My vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce has melted while taking pictures for Instagram. Check out my Instagram account for picture. I wish I could check out Instagram account too and eat this ice cream from fifteen minutes back.”
- The book is always better
X: Have you watched the new movie?
Y: I am not going to watch it because the book is better.
Z: Obviously the book is better. From its Wikipedia page anyone can clearly see that.
X: I killed Z last night just the way the murderer killed in season – episode – of CSI.
Y: You lowly insect! Do you realise what you have done! You have spoilt season – episode – of CSI for me. Do you think it is a huge task to mention “spoiler alert” at the beginning of your post?
- The minorities
X: Here’s to the repressed minorities who have to tolerate the rapid fire of photographers and writers (including yours truly) who seem to be breeding every corner of social network.
- Limit of laziness
X: What AF movie is this!
Y: Stop your usual BS.
Z: AF, BS, A-hole whatever. Who would care to type the whole word, even if it is a cuss word?
(Remember the years when cuss words used to be uttered fully and loudly to take out the frustrations?)
- You won’t believe this
X (reading aloud the title of a blog in Buzzfeed etc.): “You have breathing wrong the whole time”.
X: What? What? What? How am I even alive?
Y (reading aloud the title of a blog in Buzzfeed etc.): “What did this poor wife discovered while doing husband’s laundry?”
Y: What? Another lying cheating husband? Oh she just discovered he is too nice and wears cheapest cloth in the family. Can I get the ten minutes of my life ever back?
- Let’s return our awards
X: Few people killed a man for killing a cow. Oh the horror, the intolerance. Not a single person has died before in communal conflict before in our country. It’s all the central government’s sin. Let’s return our awards.
Y: So brave of X to return the awards. I didn’t know X was so brave. In fact I didn’t even know before there is one X.
Z: Hey you heard this? A rapist and murderer was set free by the legal system and he has been funded by government to open a tailor shop and interact with women always. And now the main opposition party has fired a journalist for criticising their leaders.
X: Who cares? Bihar election is over.
- The soap opera continues
X: Indrani has killed her sister Sheena who is actually her daughter. And Sheena is her step son’s girl friend too. She has another daughter from another husband who is now adopted daughter of her current husband. She is in prison now. One by one all her husbands joining her in prison except the first one. Where is he?
Y (just came out of a long hibernation): Which soap opera are you talking about. Anyway it is sounding quite sleazy, don’t follow it.
- The accidental accident
X: A car came out of the blue and killed a human being. No one knows from where it came and how it was running and on what it was running.
Y: So sad, machines are going to win because terminator has come from future and killed the only hope of humankind. If only last hope of humankind would have got a bed room.
- Instant lead
X: Down with government for banning Maggi. How dare the government stop me from taking my quota of excess lead.
Y: Welcome back Maggi. I always knew you did not contain lead. I love to eat double-double fried noodles made up of super fine flour and lots of preservatives.
- Lone horse
X: Donald Trump is a first degree a-hole. If he becomes president of America we all are doomed.
Y: Donald Trump is such a jerk, racist and bigot.
X: Donald Trump has plastic hair.
Y: Donald Trump has dangerous ideas about women’s reproduction rights.
X: Donald Trump this
Y: Donald Trump that
Z: Yes, down with Donald Trump. Oh and one quick question, in American presidential race is there a single candidate?
- Identity crisis
X: Girls can’t terminate their unwanted pregnancies and boys can easily buy a gun! What kind of world is this?
Y: Government should stop war in middle east.
Z: Yes, down with Donald Trump.
(Abortion is not illegal in India, we don’t fight in middle east and Donald Trump is not interested in becoming our president but then who cares?)
- The new monster in our fairy tales
X: I hate ISIS.
Y: I hate ISIS.
Z: I hate ISIS.