These neurotic new mom (NNM) and neurotic old mom (NOM) live in the same place, in yours truly’s head.
NNM: So you scream at others for tainting a single molecule of your babies’ food and yet just now you just let it go when the younger one picked up a biscuit from floor and licked it.
NOM: Hey I am taking a break from all those anxiety drama. Will you stop judging me?
NNM: Honey you live far off from your mom and MIL. I know in your heart you need a presence of a constant brutally honest judge in your life. Of course, you are yet to know it yourself.
NNM: The baby is out of my tummy since months. When will my tummy realise it!! It is high time tummy, you go back to the non-baby shape.
NNM: Oh what a long day! Wish I could take unlimited coffee without being accountable to my nursed baby and my aging body.
NOM: Oh what a rough day
NNM: Relax it is just a rough patch. It will get over soon.
NOM: You are right. I have been going through a rough patch and it’s called “MY WHOLE FREAKING LIFE”!!
NOM: Hey don’t you think we are lucky to live in a world where slavery does not exist?
NOM: You know, there used to be these slaves; working all days in the year without any leave and without any pay.
NNM: But they still exist only instead of slaves they are called Moms now.
NNM: The superheroes are so lucky. I wish I had some super power.
NOM: You know, if I had some super power then I would not save the world so much by fighting freaky villains as much I would finish my chores. Like dusting near the roof no problem, climb the wall like Spiderman. Chopping vegetables not an issue, Wolverine is here. And running lots of errands in a flash like the Flash!!
NNM: You know if I really have a choice to have a superpower then I would go for the magic eyes which can immediately locate keys, remotes and phones.
NNM: My boy is at a dangerous age now.
NNM: Wherever I go people are offering to hold him
NOM: So what’s dangerous about it? They can see you struggling with a huge handbag and two kids. So some people offers to hold him to help you and some holds him because he is at this age when he looks edibly cute.
NNM: And the rest of 90% offers to hold him because they want to kidnap him.
NOM: Yeah sure they get up in the morning and think; let’s go shopping in the mall and on the side let’s kidnap a baby for the adventure.
NNM: I wish I travel back in the time when I was pregnant.
NOM: Seriously? If you could time travel you would do only that! Anyway what’s so great about being pregnant? All those physical discomfort, mental anxiety and sudden crying without any reason.
NNM: True but you can hog all you want without feeling guilty about it during pregnancy.
NOM: You have a point. By the way, if I can time travel then I would meet young Dev Anand.
NNM: Yeah that’s very deep
NOM: Whoa you are an extreme risk taker like those guys in Ocean’s 11, 12…….
NNM: Why on earth?
NOM: You are giving bath to the baby in the sink without removing all utensils nearby knowing the risk that anytime he can take a dump on those utensils!
NNM: It’s so difficult to remember a thing acquired recently, especially if one piece of the same kind of thing you already possess. Hence I should relax if sometimes I forget to pick up the new baby while leaving home.
NOM: Yeah totally. People sometimes forget to apply their new perfume while leaving home and it’s exactly the same thing.
NOM: I had a haircut today and the hairstylist asked me “where did you cut your hair last time?” And hearing the question I felt this terror which I had never felt since the time my mom had asked me “I found out your classes get over at 2 pm, where were you till 5 pm?”
NNM: Yeah it’s nice to be mommed around for a change.
NNM: No one loves a mama’s boy, not even the mama. It’s a bother when my baby starts crying the moment I move from his vision. He is not happy with anyone, he wants only to be with his mama. All these make mama’s life extremely difficult.
NOM: Com’on don’t pretend you don’t enjoy all the attention.
NOM: When I had the first baby and my life started resembling a volcanic eruption, everyone told me it won’t be that difficult in time of second baby.
NNM: Yes, by the second baby the volcanic eruption becomes your normal life so you don’t mind another volcanic eruption so much.
NOM: So what’s happening in the clone research front? Someone can’t wait to hire herself as her domestic help and nanny of her children.
NNM: Who is this “someone”?
NOM: A control freak.
NNM: So it’s you.
And so on and on and on, the saga continues. The talks never stop inside my head.